Okay
by thatsformetoknow
Summary: ignore this angsty crap


He's fine. Most of the time. Nintey-nine-point-nine-nine-nine. Perhaps that's a slight exaggeration but he won't admit it to be so.

He'd _been_ fine. He'd _been_ okay with the fact that you loved someone else and not him in that way and that was fine. He was happy for you. He told me again and again and from the smile on his face I actually started to believe him.

You don't know, you didn't see each other for two months. You saw _him_ the other him, the him that you love now.

And he was fine. He didn't miss you and his heart didn't pine for you and finally, finally he was okay. He was smiling and he felt so happy in himself that he wondered just how long he'd been sad for for it to end up this way.

And he'd tell me how happy he was that you were happy because honestly that's the only thing he's ever, _ever_ wanted and you were.

You'd gush to him about _him_ and he'd eagerly listen, saying 'aw' in all the right places and on the inside saying 'leave me the fuck out of this' and then you said to _him_ how he made you happier than anyone had ever made you and how long had you been seeing him? A week or two?

And that cut him deep, and he felt sad. Not _sad_ sad. That sad that he'd escaped from for so long that he'd all but forgotten about. The kind of sad that makes his heart heavy and his eyes moist but he didn't cry, he couldn't bring himself to. You noticed, of course, that he wasn't alright. You always do, always have, and that's one of the things he loves about you. You notice, you care enough to.

But it was still summer and he didn't have to see you and that was okay, he put it out of his head (the _wow_ I haven't felt like this in a while) and he thinks of you at most once or twice a day if at all in comparison to is there even a thought that isn't you of months before.

And then it wasn't. It was autumn and there was a chill in the air and he had to see you, day in, day out with _him._ He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

He tells me that it isn't that he wants to date you (not necessarily anyway) but its that he feels like he's competing. He feels like he isn't good enough.

You love him enough to be a best friend but not a boyfriend? Why? Why don't you love him enough anymore? Why do you love this other man that all you do is complain about and you can't come up with a reason when he asks you why you're dating _him._

So it's not that he's jealous (he is though, I can tell) he doesn't understand why you treat him like you do, when dating someone should be like you guys were, like your friends are, not how you and _him_ are.

And then you joke, you talk about doing _stuff_ and he doesn't know whether to take you seriously or not. He thinks that if you are then he should tell you that he won't do it while you're with _him_ but he doesn't know if he'll be able to refuse.

He gets that its because youre best friends, but you cant keep using the excuse of we never had that line to cross, its just how we are forever because it isn't fair on him and it isn't fair on _him_ either. Not that he cares about him. Much.

But he thinks that maybe you complained about him to your friends the same ways you complain to him about your boyfriend now and while he thinks you probably didn't (you've told him so yourself) he cant help but feel insecure. He always knew he felt stronger for you than you did for him and he always knew he was in too deep (and boy didn't that come back to bite him) but its just making him more aware that maybe he wasn't to you what you were to him.

So he has bad days, when all he wants to do is have you hold him and kiss him and he cant and it isn't fair because you should love him and not your boyfriend and you say that you don't want _him_ to be there for you at those events and it makes him think would you have wanted him? If you had never broken up? Or would the thought of it have made you sick like it did with _him._ Would you laugh about your arguments to your friends like you do with _him_? Did you? While he was there crying? Were you laughing?

Would you be asking your friends to accompany you places just so you didn't have to be alone with him like you do now? Would you not speak to him for practically the entire day sometimes and laugh with your friends when he gets upset like you do now with _him?_

Somehow he doesn't think so. He doesn't think you would be like that with him if you'd never broken up and so he's left wondering why.

Why are you like that with _him_ when you're meant to love him? And why are you with _him_ over him when you could have either?

He feels like somehow your boyfriend is better than he is, that you care about him more obviously and just don't want to say to spare his feelings. That all he ever was to you was a boyfriend, not what you were to him and he _doesn't know why._

Why do you love _him_ more when you treat _him_ like that? And so how can you claim to have loved him when he feels like he's the second best choice, the worst choice.

What did he do to make you stop loving him? To make you not want to be with him forever anymore?

And I'll tell him that's not true, that you do love him but it's not enough for him.

* * *

 _this is temporary and will be deleted soon._


End file.
